there used to be such a hunger for you.
i can’t help but feel like my heart’s been made as hard as a rock. all the guilt i want to feel, need to feel, i can’t anymore.
this summer is going to be really hard for me. going back home, seeing old friends, is going to drag me down even further. as much as i don’t want it to, some worlds are too hard for me to leave behind.
break my heart in half, leave me running back to you for more.
these days, i can’t get over the feeling that the world is about to be set on fire.
“Can’t we just make a deal where i can come in and jerk off and you guys will take that off my bill”
“hahahah”
“imagine that though”
“you are practically paid to masterbate”
“you ARE paid to masterbate”
“its whats left of the american dream”
take these shoes
click clacking down some dead end street
take these shoes
and make them fit
take this shirt
polyester white trash made in nowhere
take this shirt
and make it clean, clean
take this soul
stranded in some skin and bones
take this soul
and make it sing
yahweh, yahweh
always pain before a child is born
yahweh, yahweh
still i’m waiting for the dawn
take these hands
teach them what to carry
take these hands
don’t make a fist, no
take this mouth
so quick to critisize
take this mouth
give it a kiss
yahweh, yahweh
always pain before a child is born
yahweh, yahweh
still i’m waiting for the dawn
still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
the sun is coming up on the ocean
his love is like a drop in the ocean
his love is like a drop in the ocean
yahweh, yahweh
always pain before a child is born
yahweh, tell me now
why the dark before the dawn?
take this city
a city should be shining on a hill
take this city
if it be your will
what no man can own, no man can take
take this heart
take this heart
take this heart
and make it break
i’m listening to trains by porcupine tree and it’s making me impossibly nostalgic. it’s a good song, by the way, if you havn’t heard it.
i got my political inquiry exam back. all things considered, i think i did excellently. a 68 is by no means “excellent”, but considering the fact that i studied four months worth of material i didn’t read in two days i think i did pretty well. i thought i got about a 30 on that exam, so needless to say i’m feeling alright right now.
minus the stress. i just had a cigarette and i feel impossibly guilty about it. i had about four yesterday. i’m trying to write an analysis using heideggerian hermeneutics and feminist standpoint theory, neither of which i understand a whole lot about. it’s due tommorow, and i have about 7 out of 12 pages done.
the first seven pages i sorta kinda pulled out my rear end.
last night was weird. i went to sleep around 8 o’clock, only to wake up at 1:30 and not be able to get back to sleep. i slept breifly, and when i did i got intense dreams. i don’t even know if i’d call them dreams, they felt more like visions. bad ones. nightmares.
it’s wierd. the closer i get to God, the more i’m haunted. the more i feel like something is dragging me back down. somedays i feel like i’m living out a psychological thriller, only scarier. it shakes my faith a little bit, to be completely honest. it’s hard not to let it.
i feel like that kid in the caucasian chalk circle. i feel like my limbs are about to be pulled off.
(that hospital visit just made a lot more sense over the past couple of days.)
then you’re goliath. if you’re wrong, then i’m wrong with you (at least for now). if you’re right, i’m terrified. if you’re winning, i’m losing, if you’re cunning, i’m naive, if you’re winning, then i’ve won.
i’m tired of fighting a losing batte. i underestimated you, what can i say.
this is the most important game i’ve ever played, and i’m tired of losing. i’m tired of fighting all wrong, i’m tired of you, i’m tired of me, i’m tired of being beaten down and feeling destroyed.
eyes on the prize, baby. death means more to you than life means to me these days. i’m on a slippery slope, and you’ve been good enough to drag me this far. i need to pick up my feet again.
i hate you, i love you, i hate you some more.
(the devil is in the details.)
(ps. you’re wrong)
time to go on offense.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
i need my heart to break with the burden of all that i have done to you.
over and over and over again.
“in the beginning was the word, and the word was with god, and the word was god.”
(it can only be properly understood as pure sheet music. often misunderstood until it’s played, and i played you beautifully. it’s tragic, yet beautiful, proud, yet humble, cheap, expensive, dramatic, ironic)
“jesus answered, “i tell you, peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”
(happy easter.)
“this is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that christ jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom i am cheif.”
(i beg to differ.)
“…and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.”
(break it.)
peter, paul, mary. a whole lot of david, and a whole lot of judas.
(the world i left behind never looked so good tonight. everything made a whole lot more sense today, and it’ll make even more tommorow.)
…a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
(i had a rough night last night, and it’s going to be a rougher one tonight.)
forgive me father, for i have sinned. i’ve sinned against you, i’ve sinned against heaven, and i’m going to do it again. your heart is a puzzle, and it’s easier to take apart then put together.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, baby, I’ve been here before.
I’ve seen this room, and I’ve walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
But I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch,
And love is not a victory march,
It’s a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, there was a time when you’d let me know
What’s really going on below,
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the Holy Ghost was moving too,
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, maybe there is a God above,
But all that I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
It’s not a cry that you hear at night,
And it is not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
i used to stay up all night talking to you, and now it feels like i have nothing to say. i have everything to say, i just can’t speak your language. i used to stay up all night crying my eyes out, and now that there is no tears left, it’s the saddest thing in the world.
i’m not quite sure how i got here, but i don’t like this place one bit.
you are everything the world needs, but cannot understand.
you are everything the world needs, but does not see.
you are everything i need, you are everything that i’m dying to have more of.\
you’ve given me something beautiful. and i will treasure it all the days of my life.
rip my heart in shreds. put it back together. wholer, newer, stronger, purer.
teach me everything this brain can contain. teach me to love, teach me to fight. teach me to bend, teach me to break, teach me to learn, teach me to listen. teach me to give, for i take nothing with me. shrink the camel to the smallest grain of sand, so i may see you for who you really are.
you make my dreams come true.
dear god, i miss the honeymoon phase.
